Friday, January 10, 2014

You Talk To Much

At my old job, typically around this season I would not be busy; however, management made sure that they found you work to do. Needless to say, it is quite the opposite at my new job. Lately whenever I come in to work, I have been surfing the university's website trying to keep myself busy.

Yesterday my boss called out sick; she said that she was feeling under the weather, tired, and that she had a sore throat. In her absense, the coordinator for HR called suggestioning that we handle contacting the candidates that interviewed for this position. I informed the coordinator that we were already on the job; that I drafted a denial letter and that I was waiting on feedback from my boss. Well today while my boss was conversing with another program director, the HR coordinator called in regards to two additional matters. When my boss became available, I updated her on the messages from today, in addition to the message from yesterday. She laughed while I was delivering the message and then stated that I talked to much.

During multiple encounters with my boss; her verbal abuse towards me, she has always stated that I have to watch my non-verbals and that my non-verbals disclose my feelings. Realizing that my non-verbals were demonstrating that I was feeling attacked, she asked me to tell her exactly what the coordinator from HR said to me yesterday. I repeated verbatum. Noticing that I was not dismissing the matter, she shook her head and asked me why do I think she feels that I talk to much. I replied, why would you say such a thing to me and that her delivery was unprofessional, but I guess I should take the abuse as a grain of salt because it is making me perform better. She took a deep breath and apologized and said that things are transitioning here; we are being given multiple responsibilities that in the past, HR has handled. Moreover, she is stressed about several work matters that pertains to our department. I replied ok and that I accept her apology; I only said that because I wanted to move on, more so get away from her. Upon leaving her office, she gave me the green light on which denial letter to forward to HR for approval.

Who Am I

A lot of people have an influencing hand on who we become in the world. I often ask myself who am I. I am one out of five; born a twin, and clueless on what my purpose is in this world. I never dreamed of becoming an actress, a dance, etc. as some people do. Nor did I ever dream of becoming a teacher, a lawyer, etc. I had a pipe dream of becoming a stylist and doing such in Philadelphia, PA. I am now 32 years old and needless to say, I have given up on that dream. Currently, I work as an Administrative Assistant at a university and will remain in this position until I can figure out what my next move is.

I have always heard growing up that you can only blame yourself for your short comings, but the most famous saying was that my future was already determined. Why can't we pick who we want to become as an adult? Uh hello, you can. Every day it is a different story with what I want to do with my life. Some days, I'm sobbing about not having a glamorous lifestyle and other days I am content. Is it wrong to be a confused individual? I say that I am confused; however, whatever I am doing, I strive to be perfect at it. At my current employment, my boss stated that somethng must be wrong with me since I strive to be so perfect. Now was I wrong for commenting on the matter; at first my perfection was a compliment, but now she's implying that it is a hindrance.

My boss gave me a journal and on the front of the journal it stated "think, stay calm, and relax". When she presented this journal to me, she informed me that it was given to me so that I can jot down my thoughts before I reacted upon them. Moreover, so that I will not go running to Human Resources every time Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde resurfaced. Since the altercation with my boss, she has sensed that I question her professionalism and it was present when I had my 90 day boss stated that I was to emotional, that I strive to be perfect, and that I do not take responsibility for HER mistakes when she takes responsibility for my mistatkes. FYI, I am the new employee verses her; she has been employed at this university longer than I so if I do something wrong and I was advised such by her, she ought to take responsibility, not me. In one week, I will have been employed here for 120 days and I was not approached yet with the corrected version; a more professional review.

Until the day comes...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011



As individuals grow older he and she are faced with reality from watching other relationships fail; is having security in one's life much more important than love, lust, and looks. I am now 30 years old, and I know that eventually he will finally move on and decide to be with some other woman. Therefore, I ask myself these questions: should I take a chance to see what can be with him or should I continue to pass on him.


Every year I always open up and make myself approachable to men; however, our time together never makes it to the point where I wonder if he can be my Mr. Right...the man that I will marry, purchase a home, and start a family. Do you know that old saying...sometimes what you're looking for can be right in front of you the whole time. Is that true; has Mr. Right been right in front of me the whole time. If I take that chance will I be settling?


When I look at him, I tell myself that I can do I wrong for feeling that way. He has always been there for me: emotionally, physically, and finacially; he is my best friend. However, I'm scared to move forward with a future with him; there is that security on one hand and then again I'll have that feeling that I am settling. Ultimately I don't want to make the wrong decision; I don't want for either one of us to get hurt...what should I do.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Heart Is Not A Revolving Door

What did I do wrong that I do not deserve a man who will accept me for me?

What did I do wrong that I do not deserve a man who will love unconditionally?

What did I do wrong that I do not deserve a man to start a family with?

What did I do wrong that I do not deserve…?

My heart is not a revolving door, nor is my female counterparts.

You cannot call me or text me wanting to pick up where we left off.

My life is not a fairy tale; prince charming has not swept me off my feet.

So I ask this question…why do men from my past continue to resurface?

I do not believe that people change; if they did it once than they will do it again.

Men are so smooth, they know just what to say to get you to wear the dummy hat again.

But I refuse to be played for a fool, I refuse to be the other, and I refuse to wait on you.

My eyes are open, but not my heart!

I am 29 years old now, how old will I be when happiness has found me because my heart is not a revolving door.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


What if I hadn't became so hypnotized with the opportunity, didn't allow myself to be pursued, would I never have fallen for you, accepting the fact that you belonged to someone else, but was determined to win you all to myself...remember him?

On the start of the New Year, I deleted numbers from my phone of people I hadn't heard from. On Valentine's Day, I received a text from a number that didn't register in my phone; I didn't respond and I didn't delete it either. I figured sooner or later that someone would reach out to me again.

Well, my assumption was right...last night my phone rang, and as soon as the guy said hello, I knew who it was.

This guy had me in a place that I was so hypnotized with every word he said. The relationship between him and I; I compare to married men and mistresses...I was his mistress minus the marriage, who'd thought that eventually we would be together. Eventually is now here; 2010, and I am positive that I am not interested.

Time and time again, I allowed myself to be stood up, put on the back burner, given the short end of the stick, etc; but not just by him...numerous of men. He informed me that things have changed in his life, that he wanted for us to work on us, and that he has never stopped thinking about me.

My response to that was: I'm working on me, working on forgiving/forgetting the men of my past, and allowing me to welcome the man that God has created for me to enter my life. And his response was: I am the man that God has created for you; he has changed me and he's not done changing me...all I'm asking for is for you to give us a chance.

No Way/No How!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Broken Heart

I'm going to let you in on some secrets of mine!

I am so bitter because I compare myself to others...sometimes I ask myself what if.

What if I would of ignored all of the signs that you were cheating on me, accepted the fact that you came clean, apologized, and pursued a future with you...would she would of had your son?

What if I didn't sit back and waited for you to come home, wouldn't had taken the morning after pill, would I had been baby mama #1 or #2, would I be your Mrs.'s now having another child of yours?

What if I never moved in with you, how long would it had taken me to see the real person that you are, would you ever have had the chance to corrupt me and verbally abuse me?

What if I hadn't became so hypnotized with the opportunity, didn't allow myself to be pursued, would I never have fallen for you, accepting the fact that you belonged to someone else, but was determined to win you all to myself?

What if I would have put my foot down and said that if I'm your dirty little secret then I'm not yours at all, would I have been so generous, so naive, and so sympathetic about your lost?

Now back to my first what if...

What if I would have let the past stay in the past, would I have you as my stalker in the present, would I be walking on eggshells with considering and not considering dating men with children, and let alone wondering if the next man in my life knows you?

What if I wouldn't have been influenced by my family, stuck to my standards, continued to be single, not allowing the game to make me so horny that I gave in too early, would our experience would have different?

What if I would of never been accepted into that school, we would have never met, I would have never experienced life with you, I would have never traveled to a beautiful island, and I would not be going through this withdraw?

Its so easy to tell someone to move on, forget about him, and that there's other men out there. But the fact of the matter is; people need to cry, people need to vent, and people need to morn the lost of relationship...its makes them stronger.

With each relationship that has gone wrong, I feel as though they took a piece of my heart. I don't ever want to love on the level that I have before; it drains me: my mind, my body, and my wallet.

Its wrong to say, but I'd asked God to bless me with a man who's going to love me more than I love him so that when and if he should ever hurt me, it won't break me since I've been down so many times before.